Groucho Marx Quotes

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

"Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it."

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."

"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."