Henny Youngman Quotes

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to."

"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say."

"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."

"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."

"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."

"Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."

"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."

"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."

"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him."

"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."

"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."

"There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out."

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."

"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."

"That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!"

"Take my wife... Please!"

"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."