Woody Allen Quotes

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

"Eighty percent of success is showing up."

"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."

"The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small."

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"Seventy percent of success in life is showing up."

"I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

"Tradition is the illusion of permanence."

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead."

"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job."

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice."

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"

"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."

"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows."

"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."

"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

"Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue."

"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have."

"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down ."