Erma Bombeck Quotes

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."

"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."

"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving."

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."

"It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding."

"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."

"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated."

"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."

"Never have more children than you have car windows."

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."

"Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial."

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."

"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?"

"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."

"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is."

"I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'"

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat."

"No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick."

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."

"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy."

"Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go."

"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."

"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."

"When humor goes, there goes civilization."

"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."