Pat Paulsen Quotes

"All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian."

"I've upped my standards. Now, up yours."

"Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon."

"Deep down, I happen to be very shallow."

"I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird."

"You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years!"

"I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it?"

"Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles."

"As I've always said: The future lies ahead."

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman."

"Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?"

"I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing."

"So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye."

"A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?"

"We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass."

"I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat."

"Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home?"

"I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.'"

"If elected, I will win."

"Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.'"

"I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off."

"You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check."

"Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up."

"Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.'"

"It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies."

"We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go."

"I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me."

"I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan."

"People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?'"

"If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun."