Born on May 27th

"I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican."

"You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society."

"I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other."

"My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine."

"I don't know that I appreciate things more because of how I grew up, but I am very realistic with what I expect out of people and what they expect out of me."

"I get depressed at airports."

"When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that."

"I'm not a Republican."

"If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?"

"I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist."

"I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is."

"My first car was a motorcycle."

"I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women."

"I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world."

"Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story."

"I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody."

"When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much."

"No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader."

"I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make."

"I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care."

"The very definition of 'beauty' is outside."

"It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything."

"I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much."

"I am not a good cue card reader."

"I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials."

"There are certain things women are better at than men."

"I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings."

"The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were."

"You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself."

"Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way."